Don't Piss on My Leg and Tell Me It's Raining

It's my nature to assume people are good until proven otherwise. Unfortunately, Amanda Portinari has shown otherwise. While I could forgive her mistake in taking off on a wave without looking for anyone in her path and then failing to control her board, I can't forgive her refusing to accept any responsibility for the consequences of her actions. She said:

Given that the infection has nothing to do with me and that the accident wasn’t my fault, I don’t think it’s reasonable for me to cover medical costs in the United States....

While I feel terrible that you got hurt, the reason it happened is because your instructors didn’t have you in a safe position. I consulted with several other instructors and more advanced local surfers in the water that day as well as the videographers on land and everyone confirmed that it was unfortunate (seeing anyone get hurt sucks of course) but that it was not my fault.

I suppose the "safe position" I should've been in was on the beach.

In a later message, she came fully around to blaming me. Assuming for the sake of argument that I violated a rule of surf etiquette, that's like a driver telling a jaywalker they hit with their car that it was the jaywalker's fault because they shouldn't have been there. Classic narcissistic blame-shifting.

Seems like her guilty mind is scraping for salve, and Stanley reminded me that she'll have to live with this on her conscience. Perhaps karma will also come back around for her.

Rules of C-land: How to Survive the Coronapocalypse

Rule #1: Cardio – You can’t run away from the virus, but being in good health will help you fight it off. So get moving!

Rule #2: The Double Tap – Never assume the virus is gone. Always make sure by washing your hands for at least 20 seconds and cleaning your cell phone regularly.

Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms – The virus can be sneaky. Be cautious when using public facilities, beware the toilet cloud plume, and don’t touch surfaces with your bare hands after washing them.

Rule #4: Wear Your Seatbelt – There will already be enough to worry about as hospitals fill up with COVID-19 patients. Make sure you’re buckled in secure, just in case.

Rule #5: No Attachments – Don’t be too attached to your buddies while you practice safe social distancing. You may not get to spend time with them for a while, but that’s OK. You’ll see them on the other side of this pandemic.

Rule #6: Cast Iron Skillet – This household item is great for cooking pancakes and all those new recipes you haven’t had time to make. While you’re sheltering at home, use your skillet to cook up a storm.

Rule #7: Travel Light – Only carry the necessities. There’s no need to buy a year’s supply of toilet paper, especially since that might leave your neighbors asking if you can spare a square.

Rule #8: Get a Kickass Partner – Always good to have a close friend or loved one on your side, so don’t hesitate to reach out if you need toilet paper or emotional support.

Rule #9: With Your Bare Hands – Don’t touch your face!

Rule #10: Don’t Swing Low – Half-assed measures won’t flatten the curve. Treat shelter-at-home orders seriously so we can lick this thing. And wear a face mask if you must go out - the CDC shows how to make one from any cloth here.

Rule #11: Use Your Feet – Running, jumping, dancing, walking a dog. Moving your feet can help you stay happy and healthy.

Rule #12: Paper Towels – When it comes to the coronavirus, you can never be too clean. Always carry these for messes, big or small, along with hand sanitizer.

Rule #13: Shake It Off – Whether it be bad thoughts, shock, or cabin fever, you gotta shake it off.

Rule #14: Always Carry a Change of Underwear – You never know when you might need it.

Rule #15: Bowling Ball – Keep it in your closet until after the coronapocalyse.

Rule #16: Opportunity Knocks – And whenever it does, make sure you answer through the door.

Rule #17: (Don’t) Be a Hero – Unless it’s a matter of life and death, there’s no need to show off. And this is a matter of life and death, so please step up to help however you can.

Rule #18: Limber Up – Nothing will slow you down like a pulled muscle, and you want to keep doing that cardio, right?

Rule #19: Break It Up – It’s always good to blow off a little steam. If the coronapocalypse has you all stressed out, go ahead and break something. Just make sure it’s not anything important.

Rule #20: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint – It’s going to take time to see the results of social distancing. Give it long enough and we will flatten the curve.

Rule #21: Avoid Strip Clubs – Also avoid other nonessential businesses. Like gun shops. And ATV rental concessions.

Rule #22: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out – Know what works for you to relieve stress - yoga, coloring, brushing a cat, a virtual happy hour with your friends - and use it when needed.

Rule #23: Ziploc – Those little bags are for more than sandwiches. Use them to store your face masks and keep caches of sanitizing wipes wherever they could come in handy.

Rule #24: Use Your Thumbs – And then wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.

Rule #25: Shoot First – If in doubt, assume something’s covered in coronavirus and act accordingly.

Rule #26: A Little Sunscreen Never Hurt Anybody – Do you really wanna have to worry about sunburn, too? Put it on if you’re outside.

Rule #27: Incoming! – Always be on your toes. You never know what could come out of nowhere.

Rule #28: Double-knot Your Shoes – You don’t want to trip over unsecured laces while running for cardio, now do you?

Rule #29: The Buddy System –This is a great time to make a new buddy, so contact your local animal shelter if you have room in your home and your heart.

Rule #30: Pack Your Stain Stick – You never known when the sidewalk might trip you up, especially if you’re new to cardio or looking at your phone.

Rule #31: Check the Back Seat – Make sure you have reusable bags when you go shopping for essentials, and wash them often.

Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things – It’ll help you stay positive.

Rule #33: Swiss Army Knife – Multitools are always a good idea, and this is a great time to do those simple home repairs you’ve been putting off.

Rule #34: It’s About We, Not Me – Yeah, you need a haircut. But that’s not worth the life of your stylist’s grandma, is it? Stop being selfish and behave like a caring human being.

Rule #35: Clean socks – Put on clean socks, underwear, a shirt and pants everyday. You’ll feel better if you dress for success, even if you’re working from home.

Rule #36: Beware of Dumb People – We’re only as safe as the stupidest among us. If they think coronavirus is just a cold so they won’t bother with a face mask or social distancing, they put us all at risk. Steer clear.

Rule #37: Bidet – Tired of driving to five different stores looking for toilet paper? Get a bidet and conquer the toilet paper shortage.

Rule #38: Stop Eating Animals – No one should have to die for your dinner, especially other humans. Poor, mostly brown or black, sometimes sick people work under dangerous conditions at meat plants.

Rule #39: Never Give Up – and never surrender. One day at a time, we’ll get through this.

Rule #40: Embrace the Box – Zoom box, waiting-for-the-cashier box at Trader Joe’s - stay in it and be safe.

Rule #41: Theme Song – Find a catchy tune that cheers you up and makes your feet tap when you hear it. Bonus if it has a 20-second snippet to hum while you wash your hands.

Rule #42: Have Compassion for Prisoners – Being arrested while poor shouldn’t become a death sentence. Defendants released on zero bail would be free already if they could afford it, and they’re innocent until proven guilty.

Rule #43: "Shall” Can Mean “Must,” “Will” or “May" – Pandemic restrictions are easing. Shall we hug? No, we shall continue to maintain physical distance outside our households, wear masks in public, and follow medical advice from health experts and not politicians.

Rule #44: Take a Break From the Headlines – Do you really need to know the latest COVID-19 statistics or another way the federal government bungled pandemic response? Step away for a while, or change the channel to Some Good News.

Cynthia Needs...

I've been too sick to surf so had some fun with Google search (thanks to The Bloggess for the inspiration).

Umm, that's a bit creepy, Grandpa.

Nope, not dead yet. And I don't have fibroids. Although I'd much rather have a cute glaceon than a nasty rayquaza, I don't own either.

Still not dead. But I like to think I'm a really cool dancer.

Close on the engineer one. Farmer? In Oklahoma?! Nah, I'd almost rather be dead. Or living in Avalon.

 Who's Peter?

Not currently looking for a rug. But if I'd been born rich, I probably would've tried to become an actor. I was awesome as Babe in Crimes of the Heart years ago. If you're laughing now, then yes, I do want you to shut up ;)

In a nutshell, that's why I'm getting divorced.
Not really.

Seriously, you'd name your baby boy Cynthia? That's just mean. He'd have to learn how to use a falchion to ward off the bullies. I could probably wield one with some skill since I've trained a bit in renaissance sword fighting. Perhaps that would allow me to inherit as the rightful king, er, queen?

Dude, if you want to propose, ask Cynthia, not Google. Who's Peter again? I'll tell you what it will take if you'll finish your sentence.

The Joy of Surf

Every so often, there is a day when I just need to surf. When onshore stuff in my life is dragging me down, I need to get offshore to lose myself and find myself in the ocean. Today was one of those days.

For me, there's nothing that compares to the feeling of riding a wave born from the interaction of wind and water many miles away. It puts me fully present in the moment; for those scant seconds, there is nothing else but my dance with the sea.

Recently I dipped a toe into the dating pool after a long marriage ended, and my friend Nancy's book has been inspirational. Everything I Know About Dating I Learned Through Surfing has pearls of wisdom like "If it looks good, don't just sit there. Paddle over there, and get it!" and "Have patience. Don't jump on the first wave of a set because you're tired of waiting."

I was thinking about the parallels at Hennemans this morning. Mid-period swell brought shorepound steadily into the cobblestone beach. The waves raised a loud clatter as they hurled stones toward the cliff and I watched the horizon for a break between sets before I plunged into the ocean with my 6'2". "Timing really is everything."

The crowd was moderate and I stayed to the side on the secondary peak. The benefit of the shorter-period swell was that there weren't many lulls; another wave came almost as soon as I paddled back from riding one. It's not in the book, but there will always be another wave.

As the tide dropped, there were boils everywhere, places where the reef was shallow, spots that distorted the waves in unpredictable ways. Several times I pulled back from a wave I'd caught when the face before me mutated into something unrideable. "Trust your gut when it's time to bail." But once when the wave changed its mind about which direction it was breaking as I popped up, I was able to quickly respond and go with it. The functional stance I learned at Surf Simply is becoming habit, and it is much more flexible than my old stance. Like my coach said, it's a matter of being fully in control of the board on the wave, rather than a passenger on it.

"If you're not having any luck, maybe you're at the wrong break."

So far in my nascent dating adventure, I've tried for a few waves that looked promising but never broke. And I've paddled for some and then stopped, thinking, this is not going to happen so why am I wasting my time? But during this morning's oceanic musings, one thing became clear, which is that I need to be looking for a surfer to share my life. Surfing is so important to me that I had a wave tattooed on my shoulder as a permanent marker. It's like oxygen; something I must to have to live. I need a guy who gets that, who feels the same pull of the ocean and has the same compulsion to seek the indescribable joy that comes from riding a wave. Someone who understands the magic of watching the sunrise while floating in a glassy sea, who looks in wonder at a passing seal or dolphin, and who will duck with me when, like this morning, a flock of pelicans flies low over the water straight at us and breaks to the sides at the last moment. I don't think it really matters what he uses to ride waves – as long as it's not a Costco Wavestorm – although it would be nice to find a shortboarder who could push me outside my comfort zone. A regular foot, so we could split A-frames, or a goofy foot, so we could seek out the best lefts together – I'm not particular about that.

I don't know how long it will take to find him, but he's out there, somewhere. I'll keep smiling and chatting in the lineup, and maybe one day we'll bump into each other. One last thought from Nancy's book: "The ocean isn't going anywhere. Tomorrow brings more waves."

Global Waves

Fun wind-choppy surf with only one other guy ahead of the Labor Day crowds.

Then I spent the afternoon searching out the best flights to London! I'm going to the Global Wave Conference next month to represent San Diego Surfrider and spread the word about our Ocean Friendly Restaurants campaign. Excited for the opportunity and the bonus of surfing in Cornwall! 

And Now for Something Completely Different

Saturday – as book research – I got a taste of the mermaid life with Mermaid Island Tours. Two young mergirls were already by the pool when I arrived at Bryn's house.

While Bryn helped a couple of other women get dolled up, I merely brushed a little blush on my cheeks. Makeup's not my style. Then Bryn coached me into a mermaid costume – sort of a stretchy tube, in blue green with "scales" that nicely matched my bikini top – and a Finis Aquarius monofin tail. Swimming with, in effect, only one big leg took a bit of getting used to, but once I'd mastered using my abs to propel the tail, I was swimming the length of the pool underwater in one breath. Bryn instructed me through mermaid maneuvers like a handstand into a tail slap, which knocked the fin strap off of my left ankle and left me floundering like a mermaid with a broken tail.

Mergirls

When they'd finished their makeup, the other two women joined us in the pool and Bryn staged a bunch of photo ops. (Stayed tuned for photos which will be added when she uploads them.) We pearl-dived (the good kind, not the surfing kind), swam sideways and spun and did summersaults. It was more fun than I expected. I tried swimming with a monofin years ago but it strained my bad lower back – this time, though, I engaged my abs enough to avoid hurting myself. Bryn's assistant told me my movements were fluid and thoughtful – and that was despite the fact that I was swimming blind with my eyes closed because I wear contact lenses.

Two latecomers become mermaids with Bryn's help

At the end, I peeled off my costume and tried swimming with a Mahina monofin. In addition to staying on, it had the advantage of being more powerful than the Finis. Plus it's made from recycled rubber by an environmentally-conscious company, which is why I'm buying one. For lap swimming. And maybe to excite the tourists a La Jolla Cove. (If you can't beat 'em, entertain 'em?)

That's a Mahina monofin

~

From The Princess Bride

Sunday it was on to swordplay – which possibly could be book research too but just seemed interesting. The Scholars of Acala put on a course for the Geek Girls of San Diego based on fencing from The Princess Bride, which I re-watched ahead of time.

"You seem a decent fellow," Inigo said. "I hate to kill you."
You seem a decent fellow," answered the man in black. "I hate to die.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

The Scholars brought an assortment of swords, daggers, shields and other defensive gear, and explained their histories and features along with the methods of Renaissance sword-fighting in several European countries according to various masters. One thing I found intriguing was that a sword was considered a fashion accessory as well as a weapon, and therefore a well-dressed man was expected to hew to the style of the time even if it wasn't the best functional design. Kind of like women's shoes, but with potential consequences including death instead of bunions.

Scholars vs. Geek Girls, thrust and parry

We were armed with blunted swords and led through a series of exercises called by archaic names that I've already forgotten. Supposedly the swords weighed only 2-3 lbs but mine got so heavy by the end of the three-hour class that I couldn't hold it up anymore. My arms are strong from swimming and surfing but this uses a different set of muscles. One exercise involved only gloves, used to slap the opponent before taking only one step away – a step that was supposed to put you out of the reach of her slap, but let you move back with one step to hit her. Bit tricky.

I plan to join the Scholars to learn more of this ancient art. Next month jumps up to the time of Sherlock Holmes for defensive tactics, such as proper use of a ladies' parasol. Now that could come in handy one day.

Inspiration and Incongruities at the Supergirl Pro

At the Supergirl Pro each July, over 100 of the world’s best female surfers compete for three days. I came to Oceanside, California, primed to be inspired. Unfortunately, the waves on the first day were not what the world’s best deserved, and the surf barely rallied during the next two days of the contest. Still, it was exciting to watch the women compete from the VIP booth (my access was comped by the organizers). On the last day, Courtney Conlogue of southern California successfully shot the pier to the amazement of spectators. Several of the heats were nail biters, with waves caught barely ahead of the horn and scores too close to call.

The final was a goofyfoot vs. a regular foot, Tatiana Weston-Webb against Conlogue. In the end, Weston-Webb was awarded the hot pink winner’s cape, with Sage Erickson and Nikki Van Dijk tying for third.

If I have a complaint about the Supergirl Pro, other than the lackluster performance of the Pacific Ocean, it’s that there was too much to see this time around. The vendor booth area expanded greatly over last year, with another parking lot taken over. A beer garden was added. The stage hosted speakers, bands and other entertainment. A half pipe was added for a female skateboarding competition, which I missed to watch the last heats of surfing. Seeing tiny girls drop in fearlessly from the top of the half-pipe during warm-ups was almost exciting enough, especially as I have yet to master smaller plunges on my skateboard. There was also a medium-sized tent, tucked away at the back, where women’s surf films were playing. When I stumbled upon it by accident, only one person was inside – kicking back on a folding chair with her phone and paying the screen no mind. I wasn’t surprised at her lack of attention because the sound quality was poor, but hopefully that will be ironed out by next year. With so much going on all at the same time, there was something for everyone, but too much for any one person to see everything.

Watching the best female surfers make hay of the marginally rideable waves was inspiring, as was a short talk by Girls Riders Organization founder Courtney Paine-Taylor. Whether it’s taking the drop from the top of a wave or from the rim of a skatepark ramp, “The moment you believe in yourself that ‘I can do this’ is when you can do it!” she said. It’s the belief in the Supergirl inside each of us, plus the courage to continue when you know you’re going to fall sometimes, that turns ordinary girls and women into extraordinary ones, said Paine-Taylor.

Inspiration from the female speakers, surfers and skaters was discolored by a few incongruities. First, there was the new “bikini fashion show”, which culminated in a “Miss Surfer Girl 2015” on the final day. Although I missed the show because I was watching the concurrent surf competition, I can’t image that it came off without an element of reducing women to sexual objects. And that makes me sad, because three days of women competing to show who has the most skill at surfing – talents that took years of training and hard work to build – shouldn’t be degraded by a competition for who looks best in a bikini. There were so many young girls thronging the contestants as they left the water, eager for an autograph on their surfboards or hats, that I’m sad to think they were getting mixed messages. Be a great athlete, sure, but make sure you look hot in next-to-nothing. When a scant few women and girls match up to the ideal female body image, that’s not something I’d want an 8-year-old Sage Erikson fan taking to heart.

No matter how many women’s surf contests I watch in person or online, I continue to be surprised at the dearth of female voices. The Supergirl Pro was sadly no exception. Although the athlete interviewer was a woman, all of the contest judges and the announcer were male. On stage at the awards ceremony, it was all men again, congratulating the four top competitors at the all-female surf contest. Surely there are retired pro woman surfers who are more than qualified to serve as judges and announcers.

I was also disappointed in the event’s lack of sincere concern for the environment. Although many surf contests are conforming to Sustainable Surf's Deep Blue standards, creating event which “address issues directly related to the local contest area including waste reduction, protection of natural resources, and the building of stronger communities,” the Supergirl Pro made little effort in that regard.

Here’s hoping the Supergirl Pro organizers take a cue from Payne-Taylor’s talk and have the courage to make the event extraordinary next year, by maximizing the inspiration and minimizing the incongruities.

Sixth Sense

We know. Somehow we know when there's a shark around. It's a kind of sixth sense. I don't think we'll ever be able to document what it is exactly, but if you have it while you're surfing, I'd pay attention to it.

-Peter Pyle, lecture to Surfrider members, San Francisco Chapter, June 10, 2003

With the left side of my face still swollen and painful to the touch, and the southwest groundswell no longer lighting up the reef break beside a calm channel, I'm out of the water, not fit to crash through windswell at the beach. It's given me a chance to finish reading a book by Susan Casey that I picked up as research for the young adult fantasy novel I'm writing (working title: Marinea and the Fountains of the Farallones). The whole of The Devil's Teeth: A True Story of Obsession and Survival Among America's Great White Sharks has been interesting to read. But the quote above from the Epilogue really struck me. I've had that feeling before, and blogged about it in An Absence of Dolphins. There's no way to know of course, but I still remember that sense of being watched by something malevolent. I'm both fascinated and viscerally repelled by the Landlords, and hope never to encounter one who's looking to collect the rent.

Distractingly Sexy

You've probably seen the sciency women of Twitter responding to Tim Hunt, but here's a pic of me a few years ago trying not to cry in front of my colleagues at the spacecraft factory.

Hard not to be too #distractinglysexy in that bouffant cap and lab coat.

There's No Place Like Home

After more than two weeks away from surf, it felt so go to walk into the ocean north of Crystal Pier this morning with my trusty 6'2" under my arm. The water was chilly on my feet as I shuffled over the sand. Small crumbly whitewater splashed me as the onshore breeze blew back my hair, still greasy after more than 24 hours of traveling and a short sleep. My desperado session ultimately paid off with a long left. I had to work the turns to keep my board where the wave had enough energy to push it all the way to the beach. Sweet!

The biggest waves I saw in Greece were these.

Mykonos

Perissa Beach, Santorini

Boat wake in the caldera, Santorini 

Natural rock sculpture on the trail from Fira to Oia, Santorini

 The rest of the time, the ocean was flat. But certainly not the land.

Firostefani, Santorini

Compared to San Diego, there was little wildlife in or out of the ocean. But having your feet nibbled by tiny fish was all the rage.

Kissingfish, Oia, Santorini

There were sharks though.

Oia, Santorini

 And I saw many ancient sirens but only one mermaid.

Folklore Museum, Mykonos

There was even a surf shop that sold nothing for surfing.

2 pm closing time, Paros

It's good to be home and surfing again. And so nice to be able to flush toilet paper.

Whiplash

I feel like I have whiplash. Earlier this week, we were going to Greece next Tuesday. Then our 20-year-old cat Jamie, who's been with us since she was 8 weeks old, fell ill with major heart and kidney issues. We feared the worst, but after an overnight in the hospital and the right drugs, she was much improved and the problems seemed manageable for perhaps six months.

As I read recently, hope can be a bastard.

We cancelled our trip to be with her. Yet less than two days later, she went into a fast decline and we had to put her to sleep. She's buried in the backyard under a blue-flowering bush next to Chrissie, our 18-year-old cat who left us only last fall. 

The Greece trip is on again so Kelly Say Surf week is no longer moot, but it seems unimportant, even trivial. I'd gladly trade Greece to have Jamie back again for even a little while longer.

I surfed this morning at the Pier and yesterday in Mission Beach with Steve. Tomorrow I think I'll just go for a lap swim and let the frothing masses claim the over-hyped south swell that's filling in.

Instead

Recently I started climbing again with my sometime surf buddy, Christina. So this morning, instead of surfing, I was top-roping a route called Stairs in Mission Trails Park.

Those tiny white dots in the distance are climbers

Christina told me that although she hasn't surfed in a month, she doesn't miss it since she started climbing, and she reeled off a list of reasons she likes climbing better than surfing. I nodded and said, "Ah, I see," but really I don't. For me, there is no substitute for surfing. Nothing even comes close.

Not my favorite flavor of water

Being in the ocean makes me feel happy and alive, even when it's kicking my ass. Rock climbing, which I started to assuage my fear of heights, just makes me wonder what the heck I'm doing clinging to a cliff face a long way above the ground.

On the way home, I detoured slightly to check the surf. Alas, it was barely this side of being blown out.

There's a large swell filling in, and the southern La Jolla reefs looked a bit wild. Still, I would rather have been out there this morning instead.

EXPOSURE Inspires

The EXPOSURE women's skate event was inspirational. It got me to the park in Ocean Beach for the first time in probably a couple months. I'm rusty and out of shape!

Ross Field Skate Park this morning. And that's how skaters do memorials.

What inspired me was seeing other girls of all ages and abilities skating. Groms (if they're called that in skateboarding) were boosting airs, and I can't wait to see what rad moves they're capable of in five or ten more years. Then there were the seniors, a few women over 50, who were taking their first tentative pushes around the flats. And the pro women were absolutely ripping. Truly inspirational.

This little Pink Helmet Posse girl had the biggest smile when she pulled a fakie with the help of a friend.

Front-row seats - this was the view from our Surfrider Rise Above Plastics booth.

Ready, set...

Go!

Commit.

Amelia Brodka

Flying