17 December 2013

Torn

I'm sure every surfer experiences the silent inner conflict at some point. The injured body, painfully expressing a deficiency that renders it less than optimal, less than capable, potentially ready to fail. The inner child, the heart and soul that loves riding waves more than any other activity under the sun, clamoring to go: "The waves are good! Wanna surf! Wanna surf! Waaaa-naaaa!" And the logical mind, urging restraint: "Listen to the body. Give it a rest and recover to surf another day. If you go, you could end up in worse shape and have to sit out even longer."

It's like a devil on one shoulder, and an angel on the other. But hard to tell which is which.

Last Friday, after more than seven years of back pain from a surfing injury and countless less invasive but largely ineffectural measures, I let a doctor inject cortisone into the facet joints along my lumbar spine. He said it would almost certainly lessen the pain within a few days. He said there would be no restrictions on my activities, including surfing, aside from avoiding submersion for a day. He lied.
Yesterday was the first real swell Southern California's seen since I brought home my new surfboard at the end of July, a wave drought that was truly the worst new board curse in the history of surfing. I was eager to test my 5'4" Firewire Spitfire in surf over shoulder high, but I sat out the first day because my back has been hurting more than before I went under the needles. Worse, even in smaller waves on the weekend, it felt weak, and I'd surfed badly.

Today, however, I was going to surf, and surf well, I told myself. It didn't hurt that bad anymore; maybe I was on the way to the pain-free normality I'd been promised, as much as doctors ever promise anything.

A few friends joined me for a surf at my favorite reef break, one that I hadn't been able to surf for lack of swell for far, far too long. The tide was high enough that we had to jump off the rocks to enter, and as I landed, a painful tweak pierced my back. I tried to ignore it as I made the long paddle to the peak. Overhead waves loomed, and I didn't feel up to taking on any of them, not in a crowd, not in my condition. My friends swooped by several times, grinning as they rode. I caught a few waves on the inside as broken peaks passed, feeling weak and slow on the pop-up but taking transient joy before they moved over deeper water and dissipated. The pain in my back grew to the point of almost-tears; I don't know how that ranks on the 1-10 pain scale, but I count it as a 6.

When the tide had dropped enough to render the exit not too hairy, I strung together a couple whitewater rides to shorten the paddle back to the stairs and climbed out, defeated. "Tomorrow!" the inner child piped cheerily. "It will be smaller tomorrow, and less crowded! Surf better then!" The head was not so sure. "Hmm, might be a good idea to rest for a few more days." And the body: "Just, oww! OK? It friggin' HURTS!"

I'm not sure how other surfers resolve this debate. Me? I write. I turn the scattered thoughts in my head into pixels on a screen, typing them down for the first time in a long while for all the internet to see, hoping they coalesce into an answer. Because soon I will change my life in a dramatic way, turning my avocation into my occupation, and it's time to write again for writing's sake, and my own.

The inner child is whimpering now. "Maybe we could decide in the morning? Maybe it will all be better in the morning. Or at least OK. Don't say no... please?"

Hush, child. Here's the Surfline forecast, and it's only poor-fair. But this weekend....

6 comments:

  1. Cynthia, it's nice to continue following you even though you moved south... I'm really sorry to hear about your back. I'm glad writing is a way for you to deal - since many of us enjoy reading your writing! Two ways I've been dealing with my "overuse" injuries from paddling that can get so bad as to take me off the water... one, I treat that and every other challenge that comes up around surfing as a "life practice". I’m practicing patience, moderation when needed, and extra care before and after surf. Also just trying to be pickier about the waves I choose :) Too often I just want it all instead of being selective. For me those are all analogies to life so the practice is a good one. It’s also such a hard one for me to listen to the body, but while I'm living for this moment, I'm also thinking a great deal about being able to have these moments and be surfing for the next 30+ years... so I try to honor my body and give it the rest it needs. Second, I got a longboard this season to goof around on and I like it much more than I thought and it is much better for my injured/weak areas. I don't "dig" with it like I do with my short boards...and this gives me a chance to improve my surfing in another way and give my body a break when it needs it. Not sure if and how that might help you, but just know I was happily surprised to enjoy it as much as I am… it’s amazing how nice it is to be out of pain! It's also made this wave drought easier to deal with! I've actually had some fun double ankle high days :) Wishing you the best in your recovery, and in your patience in getting there... Peace, K

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    1. Thanks, K. It's good advice (although I stuck my fingers in my ears - rather, covered my eyes - when I got to the part about the longboard). The sad thing is that after my initial recovery from the acute injury, my back hadn't bothered me while surfing until I underwent this procedure. I can only hope that this latest doctor-inflicted harm is of short duration, but until then, I'm taking your words to heart.

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  2. I've been injured off and on for 18 months. Currently, I am recovering from a torn knee meniscus. The body is a complex machine and I research the parts to understand the problem. I read books on anatomy and see non-traditional doctors. Good luck. I'm healing.

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    1. That sounds painful. I've tried the non-traditional route, e.g. acupuncture, to no avail. Hope you are fully recovered soon.

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  3. Glad to see your "back" in action on the blog (no pun intended). We were watching out for you that day for sure. Anything you need, I'm always here! Hope you feel better and we can head deep south for some Mexican waves soon. I got my Sentri Pass!!!

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    1. Thanks, BD. Looking forward to using those SENTRI passes soon!

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