Rule #1: Cardio – You can’t run away from the virus, but being in good health will help you fight it off. So get moving!
Rule #2: The Double Tap – Never assume the virus is gone. Always make sure by washing your hands for at least 20 seconds and cleaning your cell phone regularly.
Rule #3: Beware of Bathrooms – The virus can be sneaky. Be cautious when using public facilities, beware the toilet cloud plume, and don’t touch surfaces with your bare hands after washing them.
Rule #4: Wear Your Seatbelt – There will already be enough to worry about as hospitals fill up with COVID-19 patients. Make sure you’re buckled in secure, just in case.
Rule #5: No Attachments – Don’t be too attached to your buddies while you practice safe social distancing. You may not get to spend time with them for a while, but that’s OK. You’ll see them on the other side of this pandemic.
Rule #6: Cast Iron Skillet – This household item is great for cooking pancakes and all those new recipes you haven’t had time to make. While you’re sheltering at home, use your skillet to cook up a storm.
Rule #7: Travel Light – Only carry the necessities. There’s no need to buy a year’s supply of toilet paper, especially since that might leave your neighbors asking if you can spare a square.
Rule #8: Get a Kickass Partner – Always good to have a close friend or loved one on your side, so don’t hesitate to reach out if you need toilet paper or emotional support.
Rule #9: With Your Bare Hands – Don’t touch your face!
Rule #10: Don’t Swing Low – Half-assed measures won’t flatten the curve. Treat shelter-at-home orders seriously so we can lick this thing. And wear a face mask if you must go out - the CDC shows how to make one from any cloth here.
Rule #11: Use Your Feet – Running, jumping, dancing, walking a dog. Moving your feet can help you stay happy and healthy.
Rule #12: Paper Towels – When it comes to the coronavirus, you can never be too clean. Always carry these for messes, big or small, along with hand sanitizer.
Rule #13: Shake It Off – Whether it be bad thoughts, shock, or cabin fever, you gotta shake it off.
Rule #14: Always Carry a Change of Underwear – You never know when you might need it.
Rule #15: Bowling Ball – Keep it in your closet until after the coronapocalyse.
Rule #16: Opportunity Knocks – And whenever it does, make sure you answer through the door.
Rule #17: (Don’t) Be a Hero – Unless it’s a matter of life and death, there’s no need to show off. And this is a matter of life and death, so please step up to help however you can.
Rule #18: Limber Up – Nothing will slow you down like a pulled muscle, and you want to keep doing that cardio, right?
Rule #19: Break It Up – It’s always good to blow off a little steam. If the coronapocalypse has you all stressed out, go ahead and break something. Just make sure it’s not anything important.
Rule #20: It’s a Marathon, Not a Sprint – It’s going to take time to see the results of social distancing. Give it long enough and we will flatten the curve.
Rule #21: Avoid Strip Clubs – Also avoid other nonessential businesses. Like gun shops. And ATV rental concessions.
Rule #22: When in Doubt, Know Your Way Out – Know what works for you to relieve stress - yoga, coloring, brushing a cat, a virtual happy hour with your friends - and use it when needed.
Rule #23: Ziploc – Those little bags are for more than sandwiches. Use them to store your face masks and keep caches of sanitizing wipes wherever they could come in handy.
Rule #24: Use Your Thumbs – And then wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.
Rule #25: Shoot First – If in doubt, assume something’s covered in coronavirus and act accordingly.
Rule #26: A Little Sunscreen Never Hurt Anybody – Do you really wanna have to worry about sunburn, too? Put it on if you’re outside.
Rule #27: Incoming! – Always be on your toes. You never know what could come out of nowhere.
Rule #28: Double-knot Your Shoes – You don’t want to trip over unsecured laces while running for cardio, now do you?
Rule #29: The Buddy System –This is a great time to make a new buddy, so contact your local animal shelter if you have room in your home and your heart.
Rule #30: Pack Your Stain Stick – You never known when the sidewalk might trip you up, especially if you’re new to cardio or looking at your phone.
Rule #31: Check the Back Seat – Make sure you have reusable bags when you go shopping for essentials, and wash them often.
Rule #32: Enjoy the Little Things – It’ll help you stay positive.
Rule #33: Swiss Army Knife – Multitools are always a good idea, and this is a great time to do those simple home repairs you’ve been putting off.
Rule #34: It’s About We, Not Me – Yeah, you need a haircut. But that’s not worth the life of your stylist’s grandma, is it? Stop being selfish and behave like a caring human being.
Rule #35: Clean socks – Put on clean socks, underwear, a shirt and pants everyday. You’ll feel better if you dress for success, even if you’re working from home.
Rule #36: Beware of Dumb People – We’re only as safe as the stupidest among us. If they think coronavirus is just a cold so they won’t bother with a face mask or social distancing, they put us all at risk. Steer clear.
Rule #37: Bidet – Tired of driving to five different stores looking for toilet paper? Get a bidet and conquer the toilet paper shortage.
Rule #38: Stop Eating Animals – No one should have to die for your dinner, especially other humans. Poor, mostly brown or black, sometimes sick people work under dangerous conditions at meat plants.
Rule #39: Never Give Up – and never surrender. One day at a time, we’ll get through this.
Rule #40: Embrace the Box – Zoom box, waiting-for-the-cashier box at Trader Joe’s - stay in it and be safe.
Rule #41: Theme Song – Find a catchy tune that cheers you up and makes your feet tap when you hear it. Bonus if it has a 20-second snippet to hum while you wash your hands.
Rule #42: Have Compassion for Prisoners – Being arrested while poor shouldn’t become a death sentence. Defendants released on zero bail would be free already if they could afford it, and they’re innocent until proven guilty.
Rule #43: "Shall” Can Mean “Must,” “Will” or “May" – Pandemic restrictions are easing. Shall we hug? No, we shall continue to maintain physical distance outside our households, wear masks in public, and follow medical advice from health experts and not politicians.
Rule #44: Take a Break From the Headlines – Do you really need to know the latest COVID-19 statistics or another way the federal government bungled pandemic response? Step away for a while, or change the channel to Some Good News.
